Posts

You Played Me Like A Violin And I Sat There And Let You

Image
I thought that the fact that we've been friends for years would prepare me for what was to come when you told me you had feelings for me. I thought I knew you like the back of my hand. I thought that you were someone I could confide in. I thought you were someone I could trust, but boy was I wrong.  You made me feel safe. When my life fell apart, and I didn't have anywhere to turn, somehow you were just there. It was so easy to talk to you. You were always saying that you would always be there, and there was just something about the way you said it that made me trust it.  You would text me most days and check in, and that made me develop these feelings that I wasn't ready to have. You would come in telling me how amazing you thought I was, and how you had always had feelings for me, and something about that made me want to feel too. And so eventually instead of building up my walls, I let them fall, and that was my biggest mistake.  You were special to me
Post a Comment
Read more

Depression And Cancer: I'ts Like Being Trapped Inside Your Own Mind And Body With No Escape

You get diagnosed with a disease, and suddenly the world begins to collapse from underneath you. You're in denial. You're emotions are intensified and you're trying so hard to figure out what you're next move is, right?  But as the time passes by and you have a plan, the depression hits you. But this isn't like normal depression, it's different. It's a depression caused from living in the uncontrollable fear that you're going to die. It sucks you in. It takes you over, and you're paralyzed.  At least that's how it is for me. I'm living this life that I don't recognize. And the worst part is that I've never been more alone. I wake up every fucking day wondering what I'm living for. What's the point? Where am I going? I try so hard to be a good person, to try to help out, but when it's never good enough, how do you go on from that? I'm a prisoner in my own body and mind and I can't escape. I have the words to
Post a Comment
Read more

A Letter To Anyone Who Accused Me Of Lying About My Illness

Dear You, It's been a while since I've said anything about the preposterous accusations and lies that you've been spreading about me for the last several months. You see, when I heard the things you were saying, deep down I wanted to say so much about it. I wanted to defend myself, and prove each and every one of you wrong because I have the ability to do so. I have the proof. I have the signatures. I have the video footage to just be able to prove that all you've been spreading are lies. But I didn't and I have stayed silent through this entire mess.  You might wonder why I just sat around and did nothing when I had the chance to clear my name, my reputation. Well here's your explanation, after all this time. Not that you deserve one.   I'm a twenty four year old adult, and I owe nothing to anyone. I answered your accusations with silence because at the end of the day, what do I lose? A few "friends"? I'm not worried about the fact
1 comment
Read more

Sometimes, You Just Have To Ask For Help

Like any other person at the age of twenty three years old, I believed myself to be invincible. I thought that if I could pretend hard enough that cancer the cancer didn't exist that it would eventually just disappear on it's own.  I was young, and naive, and to be quite honest the only thing that I was concerned about was work, and maintaining my life.  Silly right? I find out that I have cancer, and the first that came to mind was work.  The thing was, I thought I could handle it on my own. I thought if I could deny it, that maybe somehow it wouldn't be true. I mean, I felt find physically most of the time, other than the migraines, and I just wasn't ready to give up my life. The life I had worked so hard to achieve was finally in my grasp and I knew once I accepted that I was sick, everything had to change, but I wasn't ready for that.  So, for the first few months, I pretended I was fine,  and went on my way to my life. I did this until I physically just co
Post a Comment
Read more

Making "Cancer" Friends: Both A Blessing And A Curse

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I didn't tell anyone. I was going through so much at the time, and apart of me just wanted to pretend like it wasn't real. And I had done that for what seems like a long time. Deep down, I knew I needed to act, but I felt like maybe I had done something to deserve all the bad things that were happening in my life, and with that I embraced the fact that I was going to die. I accepted it, and there was nothing that was going to stop me from living my life on my terms. Eventually, I came to my senses, and I talked options with my doctor. I'm not going to bore you with the same old story of the cancer like I tend to do with every other article I've written on this blog.  Today, I wanted to talk about something different.  Back in August of 2016, I met a girl named Kelsey Hart. She had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I can't go into details about her situation because I'm trying to respect her privacy, but I met her a
Post a Comment
Read more

People Are Going To Talk, But You Have To Be The Bigger Person

 In your life you'll realize that somewhere in the world there is a person who is unhappy with their own life, and so they start spreading hate, and drama in someone Else's life. And if you're lucky, that life will be yours. I was struggling through chemo the very first time I was accused of lying about my disease. I never got a legit reason for why I was accused of lying, just the fact that I didn't provide proof. To me, that was so incredibly ridiculous. I mean, I was a twenty three year old adult, why should I have to provide proof to prove to someone that I was indeed sick? Why should anyone? I wasn't a child in need of help. I was a full grown independent adult, I owed nothing to anyone. The thing is, I don't understand how someone could wake up one day and pretend to be ill. What do they get out of it? I mean, I was living a pretty awesome life before i got sick, and I lost it all when I had to quit my job after I fell ill. It baffles me to this day t
Post a Comment
Read more

To My Illness, You WIll No Longer Define Me

Image
For the past year of my life, you have controlled me in ways that I'm ashamed to admit. I never saw you coming, but I hate everything that comes along with you. I never imagine that something so awful like this could happen, but I guess no one ever dies, right? I find myself longing to just be free of you. I want more than anything to go back to who I was before you came into my life. I can feel myself changing from the inside out. I don't laugh the same anymore. I don't see the good in everything the way I once did. I'm more sad than I used to be, and I hate that. I feel like you've taken a huge part of me. There was once a time in my life when I had everything. I had a great job. My own car. Great friends. It's not that I don't have those things anymore, but I can feel the changes in it all. I see people look at me and I'm not me anymore. They can't see past the cancer and that kills me inside. But today is the day I stand
Post a Comment
Read more