Depression And Cancer: I'ts Like Being Trapped Inside Your Own Mind And Body With No Escape


You get diagnosed with a disease, and suddenly the world begins to collapse from underneath you. You're in denial. You're emotions are intensified and you're trying so hard to figure out what you're next move is, right? 

But as the time passes by and you have a plan, the depression hits you. But this isn't like normal depression, it's different. It's a depression caused from living in the uncontrollable fear that you're going to die. It sucks you in. It takes you over, and you're paralyzed. 

At least that's how it is for me. I'm living this life that I don't recognize. And the worst part is that I've never been more alone. I wake up every fucking day wondering what I'm living for. What's the point? Where am I going? I try so hard to be a good person, to try to help out, but when it's never good enough, how do you go on from that?

I'm a prisoner in my own body and mind and I can't escape. I have the words to say, but I can't get them to come out. It's like my mouth prevents me from saying the words my brain wants to speak. It's exhausting. 

Having depression in normal life was so much easier. I had depression as a teenager, and let me tell you, I would gladly take that over this. This anger. This rage. This confusion. This feeling that I'm not ever enough. It's a bitch and I can't escape it. 

I find myself crying more than I'm laughing. I find my life just passing me as I sit here trying to figure out what the next right thing is. I just can't take it. I want to scream, but no sound comes out. Does anyone hear me? Does anyone notice? Because I'm so alone. It doesn't feel like they do. 

One day I'll be okay. That's what they tell me, but is that true? Because I don't think it is. The old Ada has died, and I don't know how to bring her back. 

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