You Played Me Like A Violin And I Sat There And Let You

I thought that the fact that we've been friends for years would prepare me for what was to come when you told me you had feelings for me. I thought I knew you like the back of my hand. I thought that you were someone I could confide in. I thought you were someone I could trust, but boy was I wrong. 

You made me feel safe. When my life fell apart, and I didn't have anywhere to turn, somehow you were just there. It was so easy to talk to you. You were always saying that you would always be there, and there was just something about the way you said it that made me trust it. 
You would text me most days and check in, and that made me develop these feelings that I wasn't ready to have. You would come in telling me how amazing you thought I was, and how you had always had feelings for me, and something about that made me want to feel too. And so eventually instead of building up my walls, I let them fall, and that was my biggest mistake. 

You were special to me. You were kind. You were thoughtful. You were all these things and all I wanted to do was wrap you in my arms and never let you go. But in the end, I didn't see how wrong I was about you. I didn't see that you weren't anything. You were just a man who wanted sex and you thought you could get that from me. I was nothing more than someone you thought was easy.
The worst part of it isn't that you used me. It's not that you told me what I wanted to hear in order to get me to trust you. It's the fact that we were friends for so many years and you listened to every single fucking thing I've ever been through, and still chose to hurt me the way you did. Through cancer. Through pregnancy. To losing my child, you knew it all and you still had No remorse for playing me how you did. 

I think when its all said and done, you say that you still want us to be friends, but we can't. I can't look at you the same anymore. I don't see this kind, amazing, thoughtful guy I thought you always were. I see a vindictive, selfish, shitty, disgusting person who could sit there and ignore me, play me, mess around on me person. That is the only thing that I can see when I look at you. You took every good thing about our friendship and you ruined it. The saddest part was, I was fine before you confessed your feelings for me. If I didn't talk to you, I didn't  care one bit. 

Yet here I am now, wondering how you could be so cruel. How you could know the grief that I feel inside and pretend that you were into me just so you could have gotten laid. I understand now. I understand that I wasn't ever anything to you. And I hope that the hatred I feel for you eats away at you, and I hope you find it hard to live with yourself knowing that you destroyed the person who's already grieving the loss of her child.

Maybe if you had been more of a man about it when i tried to tell you how I felt. Maybe if you had just fucking listened all the times I needed to express my emotions instead of ignoring me. Maybe if you had just texted me first once in a while. Maybe if you had put all the fucking effort that a person should, we wouldn't be here right now. But you're a shitty person, and you were right about one thing. I do deserve better. So much fucking better. I feel sorry for any girl that you ever try to date. You're not a good person, and I'll never believe you are until I get a real fucking apology.