Being Accused Of Lying About Your Illness
Getting diagnosed with cancer was never part of my plan, I mean, it's cancer. I don't think anyone really ever wakes up and says I'm going to get cancer. It's just some tragic thing that happens to the best of us. It changes our entire lives. I think when you're diagnosed with an illness, you're ready for a lot to happen. You get this idea of all the expectations that are coming your way. I was ready for a lot, but I was never ready to be accused of lying about very, most important thing in my life.
The first person to ever accuse me of lying was someone in my own family. I have a very toxic family and so I guess on some level I wasn't as surprised as I should've been. It was normal for my family to cut me down, and to make it about them. I wasn't ready for my friends to believe their lies.
You see, when I first diagnosed with cancer, I didn't tell anyone for various reasons. The main one being that I wasn't ready to accept it. I wasn't ready to quit my job, or to have everything in my life change. I wasn't ready to accept the pure tragedy that I had been one of cancer's many, many victims. I just needed to act normal and pretend for a few gracious moments that I was okay, and nothing was wrong. For that, I was accused of lying. i have never felt wanted or supported by my family and so I guess in a lot of ways I chose to go to my appointments alone because I knew that they'd just make it about them. I don't see how there is anything wrong with an adult doing so.
Yet, somehow I was still accused of such an awful crime. It didn't matter how much proof I had. It didn't matter that on a few, rare occasions friends had accompanied me. All that mattered to them was it wasn't about them, and so in that they did everything they could to tarnish my very reputation. It hurt. Man, did it hurt.
I was told by so many people though that their refusal to believe me about my illness was a reflection of their own feelings of fear. I was told that people refused to believe that it was true because then it would mean they would have to accept the very situation that I was thrown into, which was death. While, there was still a fighting chance that I could survive, there was an even greater risk that death was upon my doorstep, and its a tough pill for people around you to swallow.
I've made my peace with the fact that my family thinks the worst of me, but if given the chance the only thing i would have let to say is to have a nice life. I've been through the ringer with my illness, and believe it or not, it's real. I don't need people in my life that are going to question me. The people who have supported me, they are what matters.
In my personal opinion, if someone came to me and told me they were sick, I'd never doubt it. Who does? I mean, what does anyone gain from lying? I believe in karma. There is no need for me to go accuse anyone of anything. It's not my job to be a judge or a detective. It is my job to support someone, to listen, and to be there. If they lie, that's their lie, and something they will forever have to live with until they die. They are the ones that would have to make right with God. In my opinion, its not anyone's job to judge it or to prove they lie. In the end, we look like the fools if they are telling the truth.
I don't know what is going to happen, but i do know that I am in control of the way people make me feel. They will continue to do what they do, but I have a say in whether it makes me or breaks. I choose not to let it bother me. In the end, I'm not going to be the one living with the regret.